For me, relationship anarchy means that every relationship I have with anybody is dictated entirely by the people in that relationship based on our own desires, not on what society or anyone else tells us our relationship should be like, or what label they attach to it.
It also has a built in acceptance of change, a knowledge that our feelings could be very different tomorrow, or even in the next minute, or might evolve slowly over time.
Relationship Anarchy is often put on one end of the polyamorous scale, on the opposite end to hierarchical polyamory, but I disagree with that. I say it’s perfectly possible to follow the principles of relationship anarchy and choose to be sexually monogamous, if that is the conclusion that two people come to when they genuinely communicate their authentic desires to one another. However there must always be that space for continued communication about desires as they change. To expect that they will never change is the biggest lie traditional monogamy tells us.
‘Relationship’ is a very broad term for me, and can encompass everything from my sexual relationships to my relationship with the shop assistant I smile at when I buy my yoghurt. Relationship anarchy opens up an infinite spectrum of possible relationships that fall between the gaps of the frustratingly simple relationship terms society has like ‘friend’, ‘lover’, ‘boyfriend’, ‘colleague’, ‘family’, ‘fuck-buddy’… I’ve had incredibly intimate and significant non sexual relationships, and I’ve had sexual liaisons that were simply fun. The elevation of sexual relationships above others makes no sense to me. Labels can be a useful way of communicating to people what a given relationship is like, but we haven’t to lose sight of the fact that it is a huge simplification. Labels should not box in a relationship, rather they should evolve as the relationship evolves.
Relationship anarchy requires a high level of communication and understanding of the self. For it to work you must continuously communicate your desires for what you want your relationship to be. The first step on that road is actually working out what your desires are. The second step is to be able to say things you think the other person will find it difficult to hear. The third step is to be able to listen with compassion to things that you yourself find it difficult to hear. You are soon confronted with every lie you have ever told yourself, every insecurity that hides in your heart. You must dive into the deepest darkest parts of yourself and document the monsters that live there. And you must understand that we are all human, and we all make mistakes, and be forgiving and compassionate of both yourself and the people who share your life as you journey through it.
It can be a very challenging path to take, but for me it’s the only one that allows me to live life to its fullest potential.
Ask Mittens 